Should our parents be allowed to have Facebook?

As I stared at the picture of myself in a tank top and my mother's zebra skirt with my parents' eyes glaring into my back, I knew it was over. I can still feel the tears running down my cheeks as my mother told me that she had stumbled upon my MySpace page, something I was forbidden to possess at sixteen years old. And by "stumbled", clearly my mother meant that she sat in front of her computer, ravaging the internet for hours, hoping to find clues that would link her to my page. Although the MySpace was private, my mother said that because my name was listed as "Jacaliciouz" and that I was wearing her zebra skirt in the picture, gave my position away. Why a forty-five-year-old woman owns a zebra skirt and how I fit into it continues to boggle my mind. Nevertheless, I was grounded for a month and forbidden to use the internet for over a year. Three years later, you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that the bane of my existence, Lisa Carlson, had friend requested me on Facebook. Folks, the apocalypse is upon us. It is not okay for anyone to be friends with their parents on Facebook. I do not care if you are best friends with your mother and tell her "everything." There is a line, and it has been crossed. Would you let your father read your text messages? Would you allow your mother to go through all of your friends' digital cameras? Would you consent to your parents reading your diary? Anyone who responds "yes" to any of these questions deserves to be slapped across the face, because you are basically a disgrace to sons and daughters everywhere. If you know anyone who makes these ridiculous claims, please submit their names to me because if you are looking for someone to be the parental bounty hunter, I'm your girl.

Facebook was once only used as a site for college networking. One was not even allowed access to the site without submitting a legitimate college e-mail address. After allowing admittance to everyone nationwide in September of 2007, however, the marketing research company, Comscore, reported that users over the age of twenty-five increased by 279%...in one year. Talk about scary statistics. Before I knew it, my younger and older cousins began friend requesting me. Then, my father and mother joined in the plight to ruin my social life and freedom. What is next? Is Nana going to buy a Blackberry, learn how to text, and start listening to Kanye West?

Recently, Facebook changed their home page to resemble that of the growing website, Twitter. For those who live under a rock, Twitter is a site used for micro blogging and is highly endorsed by celebrities such as Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. One receives a max of 140 characters to constantly update friends about the little things that happen in their day. For example, Twitter thinks it is important that you know your ex-boyfriend's sister-in-law just bought a cup of coffee. I don't know about you, but I could literally care less about the fact that the girl down the hall from me slept through her English class or has to pee. Thus, why I have not subscribed to Twitter.

Facebook's new homepage updates you on all your friends' wall posts, status updates and pictures. Contrary to the belief of Facebook executives, this is not convenient and fun. It is, consequently, an excellent way for stalkers to find me. I do not need everyone knowing what I am doing all the time and I certainly have no need to micro blog. Think about it: if you start posting: "in the shower," "at Charlie's," or "studying in the library," I refuse to pity your existence when you attract a stalker and/or are robbed. Furthermore, if you refuse to heed my warning and have already accepted your parent's friend requests, they will now know everything you do, all day. This is essentially wrong on so many levels. It is a child's God given right to lie to their parents. If my future offspring always tell me and my husband the truth, I will probably end up sending them to a monastery, admitting them into an insane asylum or abandoning them in a Target Greatland one day. That place is huge, I am 19 years old and I still get lost.

The new Facebook layout has also attempted to mess with our minds. Previously, when one wanted to update their status, you simply pressed the button, "update status." Now, Facebook has changed this phrase to, "What's on your mind?" At first, this perplexed me because I was unsure if this was the same box I once used to exploit Lil Wayne quotes and curse the gods of Philosophy papers. After I did finally realize that it was indeed the box of wonder and criticism, I became angry. Why is Facebook asking me what's on my mind? I need a place to write random, irrelevant stuff, not a therapist.

Whether your parents already have a Facebook or are planning to embark on the journey to ruin your social life in the next six months by making one, you have a right to protest this obscenity. Due to free will, you also have the right to concede against the laws of nature and accept their friend requests. If you chose this path of insanity, I want to congratulate you on ruining your life. I urge you to reject, or even more impressively, block a friend request from your parents, or any person over the age of forty for that matter. Take a stand.